I find myself really struggling this month, and it's only just begun. I usually love the month of December. I love the holidays, and my birthday, though I don't always enjoy the weather. There is usually a certain something in the air that just makes me smile. But this year, I'm having a hard time keeping things together. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat, and I'm much more sensitive than normal. I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting yesterday and the tears started about the time I sat down and I was powerless to stop them. And I had no tissues. I'd left my handkerchiefs at home, so I was in right state. I basically just sat there and let them roll down my cheeks.
This was supposed to be one of the happiest months of my life. My fiancé was supposed to be coming back into the country. We were supposed to spend this time together, making last minute wedding plans. It's been three months since he broke my heart, and I'm still hurting. I thought I was doing ok, until yesterday. I'm not sure if I had myself fooled, or if I am finally feeling the last bit of hope as it dies.
Added to that, this time of year was also my mother's favorite. She loved putting up the tree. She loved going Christmas shopping. She loved singing Christmas songs at the top of her lungs. I find that I almost can't listen to my favorite Christmas music, because every song reminds me acutely of her. I'm not the only one struggling with this. I know that both of my sisters are having a harder time without her this year than last. I think it's because last year we were still pretty numb. We were still wrapped up in the comfort of the Spirit. And while the Spirit is still with us, we aren't shielded from the pain and her absence as much as we once were.
So, if I'm not bubbling over with Holiday Spirit, you'll have to forgive me. I'm not a Scrooge. I'm just trying my hardest to keep things together. Trying to reconcile my losses with what is usually the happiest time of year. I know that it gets easier in time, but these are some of the hardest things I've ever had to experience and I'm finding my way through them blind.
Just know you are loved Michelle. For me the pain comes and goes like waves. Last year I had a hard time. Maybe it was because I was pregnant and overly emotional anyway but this year it isn't so hard. Possbily because Dallas has his 1st Christmas and I love showing him everything new.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and what you are going through. I just want you to know that I'll always be here for ya if you need a good cry and a listening ear.
love ya!