Jaded

I wish I could be indifferent. I wish I could learn how to not care, but that's not in my nature. I'm too soft. And maybe because of that, I'm becoming bitter or jaded. I can see it happening, and I have to admit, I'm not doing much to stop it. I'm thinking of it as a defensive mechanism. A way to protect myself, so I can continue healing. Even if I'm wrong, the damage is already done.

There are a thousand things running through my head. Hundreds of thoughts clawing through me.  So many things that I want to say, get off my chest. But the people they are for will never hear them. Not because I won't say them, but because they don't listen. They close themselves off, listening only to the sound of their own voice. Or the voices in their head. So, I'm stuck with the words eating away inside of me. I wish I could scream them at the top of my lungs, until my voice was gone, and my throat was raw. Because, sometimes writing isn't enough. Words are meant to be spoken.

I'm sick of the selfishness of people around me.  Open your eyes. Look around, there are other people here besides you. And guess what… Their world doesn't revolve around you. Don't act all put out and put upon when things don't always go your way. Because, that's life, baby.

And to one person in particular, who I know will never read this. It could have been great. I know it wouldn't have been perfect, but I wasn't the one who broke promises.  I tried to stay as strong as I could for as long as I could, and you just ripped me apart. I'm still putting myself back together, and I'm finding that there are pieces missing. I'd love to have those back, but I don't know where to find them. I'm sure they'll come back someday. In the meantime, what did I learn from you? I learned that my best never seems good enough. I learned that even though I loved you completely, I'm probably better off without you. I'm trying to learn how to stop loving you. Maybe tomorrow will help, and I'll be able to walk away for good. Or maybe I'll fall in love with you all over again. I guess we'll see. Either way, I still want to punch you in the throat.

For what it's worth, I feel better now.