I find that each week as I try to decide what to write about I spend quite a bit of time pondering the various aspects of my life, and how best to put them into words. More than anything, it helps me work through whatever I seem to be hung up on for the moment. It's cathartic, and somewhat soothing. Even so, I find that this week I'm at a loss for a single topic to write about. There just seems to be too much that I'm trying to come to grips with, and my emotions are still a jumbled mess that to even begin committing them in writing is beyond my capabilities.
But I have made some revelations. I'm not always as together as I'd like to be, and it's ok to fall apart. I hate feeling the weakness of heartache that lingers. The tears still come after being struck with the bittersweet memories that like to pounce on me in unsuspecting moments. But even though the snippets of the past are painful now, they are precious, and I pray that they will never be forgotten. I wish there was a way to permanently etch those inside of me, so they never fade. I wish there was a way to bottle up the smell, the taste, the sound, the feel, the essence of every one. I wish I could place them on a shelf for safe keeping, so that whenever I wanted, I could take it down, and twist the lid off, and relive the moment in perfect replication anytime I wanted. I know it can't be, but at least they are still inside of me. So, I am the vessel, the protector of my past. The memories live on in me.
You know, I totally feel that way sometimes. The smell of vanilla totally reminds me of my mom so sometimes I stop by the ferfume seciton and just smell her. I guess I look silly crying in the middle of the store but its all I've got. To this day I still can't remember that last year with her very well. I have some memories from when I was little but if you ask me about that Christmas the month before, its all a blank! I keep hoping pictures will help but dad has lost the box of our pictures from me growing up. ALL of them, gone!
ReplyDeleteWrite it all down, then it will come back to you every time you read it.