Let It Go

I've spent some time recently thinking about pain and anger. It's amazing how closely the two emotions are related. They can coexist. One can cause the other. They can create a vicious circle that spirals tighter the longer they are allowed to reign. It's not always easy to let them go, which can only exacerbate an already bad situation.  In some cases they can turn into resentment, and in the words of Malachy McCourt, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It doesn't hurt anyone but you.

I don't like to hold a grudge. I don't even really know how to anymore. I used to, but I was never very skilled at it. I think that the only reason the rift between an old friend and I stayed around for as long as it did was because I didn't take the time or energy to do anything about.  It started with a childish argument that escalated to years of indifferent behavior. Even a few weeks after the fight I couldn't remember what it was about or how it started. All I knew was my best friend was no longer my best friend. We shared a few classes for the rest of our schooling, but our bond was never renewed. It took the nostalgia everyone seems to experience at graduation for us to talk about it. She didn't remember why she was supposed to be mad at me either. It still saddens me to think of the time we wasted. It was time we'll never get back. Even now, though we are on good terms, we aren't close, all because of momentary anger, pain and eventually pride.

Anger, and especially pain, can make you do strange things.  They can impair your judgment, and reactions to any situation. Intense, prolonged pain can interfere in every aspect of life. It throws you off-balance, so you're looking at a skewed version of the world. Nothing looks or feels quite right. There is only so much your mind, body and heart can take before it's too much. There's a reason people say not to make any major changes or decisions when feeling grief or anguish.  You aren't in your right mind, and decision making skills are reduced, if not completely missing.

There are things I've said and done as a result of pain that I desperately wish I could take back, or somehow mend. Emotional distress caused by several different sources had turned into an actual physical ache. When life seemed to start spinning out of control I reacted blindly. The consequences only caused more grief. And not just for me, but for someone I care for.  I don't know how to fix it now that I'm back in a more stable, though not painless, existence.

 I do pray that, one day, I can be forgiven for the hurt I caused. I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but I wish I could adequately explain that my actions were a product of the insane person who had taken over me, because I had mentally checked out due to the overwhelming anguish. What I did was wrong, I know.  I have to wait, now, for the other person to work through their feelings. I don't want to lose another friend to emotions that only cause more heartache by holding on to them.  But I will be here, waiting for the opportunity to do whatever I can to make it right.