Fear

I've spent a lot of time recently contemplating fear. I think it's one of those things that once Halloween comes around, you can't really escape. There are scary movies, and haunted mansions and mazes. All manner of things every few feet that are meant to spook or scare. I may be a bit of a stickler, but I'm not a huge Halloween fan. I don't like being scared. I like to think I have very few fears. I'm not a huge fan of bugs and spiders, but as long as they don't invade my space, I'm happy to ignore them. I am afraid of falling, but my favorite ride at Disneyland is the Tower of Terror. I've faced it in a controlled way, and I don't let it interfere with my daily life.

On Halloween day, I was forced to face another fear, head on. Or rear on, as it truly is. I feel that I'm a pretty good driver. I may be a touch aggressive, but I live in a state that is known for having inattentive and careless drivers, so my need to be aggressive is justified. I've always said that drivers don't pay enough attention to what's going on around them. This is most frightening on the freeways. I've had a number of close calls, and it always gets my adrenaline pumping. One of my biggest fears on the road is that traffic will slow down or come to a stop in my lane and the person driving behind me won't be paying attention and hit me. I always cringe whenever it happens, and each time I wonder what it would feel like, or sound like when it happens. Well, now I know….

 

I was driving home from a funeral when I the aforementioned scenario played out. For whatever reason, and to this day, I still don't know why, traffic in my lane slowed to complete stop. As soon as I stopped, I checked my mirror to see if the person behind me had stopped as well. All I saw was a big vehicle coming up on me, and I was thinking "They're not going to make it," followed by a huge, jolting CRUNCH! The whole thing was kind of surreal as my next thought was "Well, this is what it feels like." I don't remember the next few seconds, as my car got turned enough so that the front passenger corner got pushed into the car in front of me. The next thing I knew was the airbag on the passenger side had inflated and there was a weird chemical smoke in my car.

 

Then I did my best not to panic. I knew I need to get out of my car. I kept thinking, "what if my car explodes, I need to get out of here." I groped on the floor to find my phone and unbuckled my seat belt, coughing and whimpering, because my chest was hurting. Stupid seat belt, but so glad I had it on! Then I tried opening my door, and it wouldn't budge. That's when it was hard to keep the panicking at bay. Luckily, someone outside of my car was smarter than me at that point. She told me to unlock my car. Seems kind of stupid for a car to look its doors on impact, but whatever.

I had some pretty bruises in some really interesting places, and my back and neck were sore for weeks. I definitely don't recommend getting hit. I may have faced this fear, but it's one of those instances where facing it may have made it worse. I almost can't stand any car being too close to me on the road, and I keep a healthier distance from the car in front of me than I used to. But I survived to face another day, and have another story to tell.

Dreaming

"Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. It just doesn't catch up, it overtakes … blotting out the future." Sarah Dessen

I don't know that I've been running from the past, but maybe I have been trying to forget it. And to forget how I feel about things that have happened, and what I still feel deep inside of me. I'm trying to ignore what I accept as a truth that will never be proven. So, what then? My subconscious decides to run amok while I'm unconscious. That's what.

But even that sounds like a denial to me. Because I know that what I've seen while I'm sleeping is more than just a wish. It's a confirmation of the truths I know. Because the Lord speaks to me in dreams, showing me what is right, and what is to come. And whole bunch of things that could be, if I have faith, and patience.

And here's the thing…I know a lot of people don't believe me when I talk about my dreams this way, but it's very real and precious to me. I very rarely have a dream that I remember, and every one that I do has a purpose of some sort. A prompting to check on someone, to reach out and get in touch.  Or it could be a gentle nudge in the right direction. Or even a way to prepare me for something that's coming. A way to tell me that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and on the right track. I had several of those before my world crashed down the first time. And hardly any when it crashed the second time, which makes me wonder if that wasn't really supposed to happen. If it wasn't in the original play book, and if it was just a detour, not a catastrophic roadblock.

Which brings me back to the beginning. I've had two dreams in three weeks that I want more than anything to be real. The first one was more shocking, because in it, I heard everything that I've wanted to hear. And the second was poignant, because I felt everything I wanted to feel. Both so vivid I can still recall every minute detail. And both are so mind-boggling and crazy-making because I can feel a little flicker of hope growing when I thought I'd let that flame go out.

And now I'm so at odds with myself that I don't know what to do. I have promised myself that I'd never ignore one dream that had an obvious meaning. But at the same time, I can't burn myself out on hope of something that will most likely never happen.

I hate having to balance myself against it, or let myself get catapulted into an unknown so soon after finding my feet again. I know I have to make some decision, make some sort of move, because staying stationary doesn't do any good. I just wish I felt I had the strength to make the move I really want to. But I'm still too afraid and too fragile. And quite frankly, to unsure of what the deeper meaning behind these dreams might be to take that step. Only time will tell I, guess. But I'll keep my eyes open…in my dreams.

Puzzled

Nearly two years ago, when my mom died, my world shattered, but it didn't fall apart. I was just walking around with all of these cracks and fissures running through me, not quite sure how to fuse the pieces back together. So I just kept moving. Going through the motions, trying to get on with my life. I thought I had done a pretty good job of it, until a year later, when I received a blow that sent all of the pieces flying. It was like I had spent so much time keeping this giant puzzle together that was mostly intact. There were a few pieces sitting at my feet. But I knew where they were, and when I was strong enough, I would be able to put them back in place. Now there was a pile of pieces and I didn't know where to start, so I didn't really try. All I could do was keep moving, keep going through the motions. Slowly those pieces found their way back into place, seemingly on their own. Occasionally, I'd reach down and find one.

That's been the last six months of my life, putting myself back together. I'm finally getting to the bottom of the pile. Down to the pieces that have been missing since my mom passed away, or the ones that I haven't had the strength or courage to put back in place. There were two in particular that I was missing most. One was music. A certain type of music which I love reminded me too much of someone that I was trying hard not to think about. I distracted myself by listening to things that weren't always at the top of my favorites list. I mean, I spent two weeks straight listening to the Tangled soundtrack. Not exactly what those closest to me would expect to hear when they got in my car. It took months to listen to my favorite song. But now, I'm finally enjoying the heavy beats and driving base lines of my crazy rock music again.

The second piece that I missed even more than music, was reading. In the two years since my mother's death I have only ready four books. Four books a week was not uncommon before then. I've been known to read six to seven hundred pages a day still get a full night's sleep and work a full shift at work. Sure I may not have eaten, but I never seemed to notice. I never really thought about why reading and my mom were so closely linked in my head. But upon further pondering, I realized that she was the one who encouraged my love of written words. She discovered her love of reading in her thirties, and because of that, I discovered mine in my early childhood. Her and I would spend hours discussing books, and passing them back and forth. Two weekends ago, I felt it was about time to pick one up and try again. Since then I have read more than ten books. More like devoured them. I forgot how much I love escaping this world into another, dropping into someone else's imagination.

There were two series of books that awakened something else inside of me that had been sleeping, another piece that is still being put back in place. The desire to start writing again. Not to write like I do here, but to create something. A world that only I can build and know all the secrets of. Someplace beautiful, and exciting, and captivating. Somewhere that maybe someone else can escape into one day. I can only hope that I can be half as masterful a storyteller as the ones whose worlds I just visited, but I'm going to try.

Declaration

For the first time in a long time, I truly feel at peace. And this is on the brink of what could be another emotional upheaval. I'm not sure what has changed in me, but I'm prepared to face it head on and stand my ground. I'm stronger now than I have ever been before, and I know myself better now. I know what I want, and I know that I'm not willing to give up on it. I never have, even after all this time. Hope and desire have lain dormant in me for some time, and now that I'm pretty much whole again, they are waking up. They are bolstering me up, and fortifying me from the inside.

I spent last weekend listening to the inspired talks of the General Authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Several of them went straight to my heart, and I could feel the Spirit whispering truths to my soul. I could hear the Lord's special messages for me, and I'm ready for what He has in store for me. It has the potential of being crazy, and difficult, and wonderful. I know that I can't do it without Him in my life. Because I can't see how it can work, there is no way without his Divine guidance. So this is where my faith comes in, and I already see it working. All I can do is take the first step, and wait for Heavenly Father to show me the next one.  I know He won't lead me wrong.

Unexpected

The last few weeks of my life have been much unexpected.  And there was really no way for me to see what was coming, so I had no way to prepare for it. Work has been very busy, and almost overwhelming. I do everything I can to stay on top of things, but I still get frustrated by the apparent need to babysit people. Everyone has been trained to do what they need to do, so I don't know if they really just don't get it, don't know it, have forgotten how to do it, or are just too lazy. Whatever the reason, I get really tired of doing other peoples jobs for them, and then being told that I'm not measuring up to their expectations. Now, for the most part I really do like my job. I just feel overwhelmed by the workload I have in front of me and under-appreciated by the people I help most frequently.

The other unexpected occurrences that took me most by surprise were several people from my past popping back into my life. Some were just friends that it's been far too long since I've talked to. And others caught me completely off guard. Two in particular, who seem to be on a similar schedule because they both seem to pop up on the same day.  Now, both of these people were very important to me at one point or another (or at several points in my life.) And both have had very little to do with me, for whatever reason, for the last few months or years.  I know and understand the reasons, but that didn't make the separation from very dear friends any easier.

Now that both are back in my life, I find myself lighter. Almost as if part of me was missing, hidden in the space between us.  Now I feel almost whole again, and quite a bit happier. I'm glad I have my friends back.

I also read through all of my posts here on Life Gone Awry, and I am amazed at what I've been through, and how well I seemed to weather the storm. I know that it's not completely over, but I'm doing better. I'm stronger than I would have ever guessed.  Even I surprise myself.

Monday?

I woke up today and braced myself for a storm. Not the weather, but the battle that had been raging inside of me for a week. I've had a migraine, and anybody who's had a migraine knows how awful they are. And I had been suffering a particular hell, in that I had a regular head-exploding, light and sound sensitive headache on top of an ophthalmic migraine, which produces (in my case) shimmering white floaters in my vision that I can't see through or around. They aren't fun and not exactly easy to work around, and I haven't been able to take any time off, so I did what I could to suffer through.

So, this morning after I had finished getting ready, which is about the time I really start to wake up, I noticed that the dull pressure that usually greets me when still nursing a migraine was gone. I was cautiously optimistic. I walked out my front door only a few minutes late, and arrived at work with a smile on my face. One of my favorite songs was on the radio on the drive in. It's kind of sad, I don't remember which song it was now, but it started the day off right.  The pile of orders I needed to take care of wasn't as high as I usually expect for a Monday morning. So I dived right in. And I had a productive day, though my Inbox may not agree. I got quite a bit accomplished, and I'm trying to keep that stress level down.

But that's not why I'm in such a good mood right now. And I don't know that I could really explain why I am.  It could be that Life is always a surprise. I've learned that you can never know what to expect. There is no way to predict what will come next. And I don't know that I'd want to. I may not always like what gets thrown at me. Or when life pulls the rug out from under me. But then there are moments like I had today, when you've talked to a long-lost, beloved friend who still knows you well enough to suggest a new band to listen to. And while your head may not hurt so much anymore, you hesitate to head-bang, so you stand there and smile and turn the music up a little louder.  Because this is what's been missing, even if no one else can understand it.

Drifting

So, I'm sitting in a hotel room in St. George, Utah. I'm here on a business trip to do a little training for the company I work for. I should probably be trying to catch up on some work so that I don't stress out on Friday when I'm back at the office, but I just can't make myself open my email. Then I thought, "Well, you haven't written for the blog in a while." So, here we go. I don't know that I have anything to really talk about, so I'm winging it. Should be fun.

I know I haven't updated in awhile. There's no real reason. Mostly, I'm a slacker. I was trying to get out of my head for a bit. With what should have been my wedding day coming and going (which wasn't as bad as I expected) and the trip that should have been the honeymoon (which turned out to be an AWESOME family vacation minus a brother and sister) I decided to take a break from examining my own thoughts and feelings on everything. I decided to live in the moment and not over-analyze anything. And I have to say, it was pretty successful.

I haven't really learned anything new about myself. But I have learned that my routine has helped me maintain some sanity. I know that pretty soon the routine will become a rut, and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. But for now, I'm content with where I am, and what I'm doing.  I figure that at least for now, I'm not drowning. I'm treading water. I can do this for awhile, and when the time comes, I can start to swim again. And I can feel that time coming. Who knows how soon that will be though? I'm ok with letting myself go with the flow, drifting in the current that God has me in, in this great river of Life.

So, what's next? Maybe another episode of my new favorite show? (It's Chuck, in case anyone was wondering.) Or maybe I'll do a little web surfing? (Fascinating stuff to be StumbledUpon, trust me!) Either way, I'll be entertained. Not that it's hard to do.

Happy New Year!

So, welcome to 2011!

I keep getting asked the question "what are your New Year's Resolutions?" And I say truthfully, I don't have any. I'm not one to set a goal, just because it's the start of a new year. If I feel the need to make a change, I won't wait to start.  I don't really get the whole holiday. I guess, being a good Mormon girl, I don't see the whole point of staying up until midnight, just to watch the clock change.  I don't drink, so the holiday is lost on me. Whatever. More than anything, I am praying that this year will treat me better than last.

This post is going to be short and sweet, because I don't really have much to say. I am going to leave some pictures of the spontaneous New Year's Eve 5-course meal that Whitney, Karrah and I prepared. We had a semi-Italian themed dinner with the siblings and significant others. It was probably the most fun I've had on a NYE. Thank you Dustin, Emily, Whitney, Chris, Karrah and Sam, for making the evening extraordinary. You guys are so awesome. I love you all!