Surprises

I know that this is really late, but I had to be sure of a few things before I could really write some of this down. I wrote a few weeks ago about the struggles I was having with this month, of facing my birthday and the holidays at home without my mother, and seeing my one-time fiancé in person for the first time since breaking my heart. Now that I've come through it, I can say, once again, that life is a constant surprise.  

To start with, I saw him the Monday before my birthday. And it didn't go very well. It was definitely not a great start. Communication between us had broken down, seemingly beyond repair.  We used to operate on the same wavelength. We could tell when there was something wrong with the other person. It may sound a bit hokey, but we did have a spiritual connection. Even after he called everything off, I could tell when something was wrong. But here's my take on that. It wasn't that we were tuned into each other. We were tuned into the Holy Spirit, and because of that we knew what was going on with the other person. The Spirit let us know. I'm not saying that my ex isn't still tuned in, but maybe he's not listening. As for me, I try to stay on that station. The Spirit has never led me wrong.

Anyway, like I said, Monday wasn't a good day, but being as jaded as I was at the time was more helpful than I could have expected. It was a protective shield for me. I walked away from the encounter less shaken and angry than I expected. But that wasn't the end. We met for lunch a few days later. This time, we were more civil. There was some better communication. I won't say that I don't hurt less, but I do understand more. I know he was hoping I could gain some sort of closure from it. I don't know that what I feel is closure. It's more a certain type of peace that I haven't felt in months.  It's a knowledge that I did do all that I could, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent what has happened.  

With this new serenity about me, I had a little extra strength to prepare for my birthday. I ended up being more than pleasantly surprised by how that day unfolded. The whole weekend really was spectacular. I was surrounded by precious family, and good friends. I watched so many good movies, and had wonderful food. I'm so thankful to my father who did everything he could to make my day enjoyable. The high of the weekend even stretched into the next week.  I made a new friend in a snow storm. And I caught up with an old friend, of whom I only have fond memories.

All the while, I could feel a growing excitement and tension as Christmas approached. I can't say that the Christmas Spirit ever made a strong showing in me this year, but I can say that I was again pleasantly surprised by the outcome. There is something special about the traditions our family has. They are pretty typical, but they are ours. There are only a few Christmas' that didn't start at Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve. We had a traditional dinner, and then gathered in the living room. Squeezing in wherever you could find room. Grandpa reads the story of Christ's birth out of the bible (in years past, the kids would dress up and act it out) and we'd stop every few verses to sing Christmas carols. Then it's time for presents.

As I've gotten older, I find that I prefer to give than to receive. That doesn't mean I'll say no to a gift. But I love trying to find the perfect gift. There's a victory to knowing someone so well, to think of something that they'd love, but didn't even know they wanted it. I've gotten really good at it over the years.

Christmas day at our house was just like I remember it. I could feel my mother's presence here.  There was no sadness. Only joy, and peace, and love.  It was one of those days where the joy of the knowledge I have far outweighs any sorrow I still feel at her loss. I know where she is. I know what she's doing. I know I'll see her again, one day. She's waiting for me, on the other side of the veil, with a huge smile on her face just waiting to wrap me in her arms when I get there. I know exactly how it will be, and how it feels. And while, I can't wait to see her again, I have important things to do here, first.

I may not have had the Christmas Spirit this year, but that doesn't mean that I'm not grateful. If anything, I am more so. This is the time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Without Him, I wouldn't or couldn't know the things I do. I would be lost and alone always. The sadness and hurt I feel would be true sorrow and anguish. Instead, I know a truth that only brings understanding and perfect happiness.

I once was told the true meaning of the phrase Merry Christmas. If you break it down a bit, you get Merry Christ Mass. A mass is a joyful meeting, and merry means happy. What does that make? A happy meeting in Christ. Ever since I heard this, the saying has been more special. So when I say it, I say if fervently. So I truly wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Jaded

I wish I could be indifferent. I wish I could learn how to not care, but that's not in my nature. I'm too soft. And maybe because of that, I'm becoming bitter or jaded. I can see it happening, and I have to admit, I'm not doing much to stop it. I'm thinking of it as a defensive mechanism. A way to protect myself, so I can continue healing. Even if I'm wrong, the damage is already done.

There are a thousand things running through my head. Hundreds of thoughts clawing through me.  So many things that I want to say, get off my chest. But the people they are for will never hear them. Not because I won't say them, but because they don't listen. They close themselves off, listening only to the sound of their own voice. Or the voices in their head. So, I'm stuck with the words eating away inside of me. I wish I could scream them at the top of my lungs, until my voice was gone, and my throat was raw. Because, sometimes writing isn't enough. Words are meant to be spoken.

I'm sick of the selfishness of people around me.  Open your eyes. Look around, there are other people here besides you. And guess what… Their world doesn't revolve around you. Don't act all put out and put upon when things don't always go your way. Because, that's life, baby.

And to one person in particular, who I know will never read this. It could have been great. I know it wouldn't have been perfect, but I wasn't the one who broke promises.  I tried to stay as strong as I could for as long as I could, and you just ripped me apart. I'm still putting myself back together, and I'm finding that there are pieces missing. I'd love to have those back, but I don't know where to find them. I'm sure they'll come back someday. In the meantime, what did I learn from you? I learned that my best never seems good enough. I learned that even though I loved you completely, I'm probably better off without you. I'm trying to learn how to stop loving you. Maybe tomorrow will help, and I'll be able to walk away for good. Or maybe I'll fall in love with you all over again. I guess we'll see. Either way, I still want to punch you in the throat.

For what it's worth, I feel better now.

Struggle

I find myself really struggling this month, and it's only just begun. I usually love the month of December. I love the holidays, and my birthday, though I don't always enjoy the weather. There is usually a certain something in the air that just makes me smile. But this year, I'm having a hard time keeping things together. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat, and I'm much more sensitive than normal. I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting yesterday and the tears started about the time I sat down and I was powerless to stop them. And I had no tissues. I'd left my handkerchiefs at home, so I was in right state. I basically just sat there and let them roll down my cheeks.

 

This was supposed to be one of the happiest months of my life. My fiancé was supposed to be coming back into the country. We were supposed to spend this time together, making last minute wedding plans. It's been three months since he broke my heart, and I'm still hurting. I thought I was doing ok, until yesterday. I'm not sure if I had myself fooled, or if I am finally feeling the last bit of hope as it dies.

 

Added to that, this time of year was also my mother's favorite. She loved putting up the tree. She loved going Christmas shopping. She loved singing Christmas songs at the top of her lungs. I find that I almost can't listen to my favorite Christmas music, because every song reminds me acutely of her. I'm not the only one struggling with this. I know that both of my sisters are having a harder time without her this year than last. I think it's because last year we were still pretty numb. We were still wrapped up in the comfort of the Spirit. And while the Spirit is still with us, we aren't shielded from the pain and her absence as much as we once were.

 

So, if I'm not bubbling over with Holiday Spirit, you'll have to forgive me. I'm not a Scrooge. I'm just trying my hardest to keep things together. Trying to reconcile my losses with what is usually the happiest time of year. I know that it gets easier in time, but these are some of the hardest things I've ever had to experience and I'm finding my way through them blind.