Self-esteem is an unusual thing. It's to value one's self. In this world, self-esteem is hard to come by. We are constantly berated by the media. It tells us what we think we should be, and makes us think that we somehow don't stack up. It's very difficult, especially for young girls, to escape this. To learn to love themselves as they are. Somehow, and to this day I'm not exactly sure how, I never really had that problem. I decided early that I was going to love myself, no matter what anyone else said. I knew that I was a daughter of God, that I had worth in His eyes, and what others thought didn't matter. I thought I was pretty even though I didn't look like the girls in the magazine. In fact, I usually think I'm the most beautiful girl in the room. Sure, there are things about myself that I don't like, but I decided to embrace them. They are part of what makes me, me. I refuse to think badly about myself.
This was something my mother and I could hardly talk about. She had been riddled with self-esteem problems her entire life. We were on completely different ends of the spectrum. She couldn't understand the self-confidence that is the side effect of the high self-esteem. But I owe it all to her. She was the one who told me every day that she loved me. She told me I could do anything I set my mind to. I am who I am because of her.
But in the last couple of years, I've had a few experiences that have severely shaken my self-esteem. And I didn't like them. I know that at least one of them was something I needed to go through, the others I 'm not so sure about. But I did learn that to value yourself is precious.
Two years ago I got a bad case of the flu. I'd never had the flu before, so it knocked me down and pinned me for awhile. Then I got every secondary infection that gets associated with the flu. A sinus infection, and inner and outer ear infection in both ears, and bronchitis. The ear infection was so bad that it irritated the nerves to my face and I ended up with what the doctor said was a "classic" case of Bells Palsy. For those of you who don't really know what that is, basically the left side of my face was paralyzed. I dealt with it for over two months. I had to tape my eye closed at night, because it didn't stay closed. I was lucky that it wasn't super noticeable, except for when I smiled. That's when people could tell something was wrong. The left side of my mouth wouldn't turn up. It was hard to look in the mirror, and not see the beautiful woman I thought I was. Eventually it went away, and I got most of the control back, and it was great to see my full smile again.
This last time my self-esteem has taken a hit has been harder to overcome. There's something about the pain of rejection that sinks deeper than anything else. The wound is often so deep and ragged that it takes months if not years to fully heal from. I know this from experience, more than one experience. I've caught myself wondering if the fact that I love myself makes me unlovable by others. But that doesn't make sense, either. Because there are people who love me. I know that the people who count love me, and the rest don't matter. But it's hard to give your heart to someone, only to have it thrown back bloody and bruised. It's difficult to climb out of the hole they've dug inside of you. But that is just what I'm doing. And even though it sucks, I'm probably better off.
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