"Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. It just doesn't catch up, it overtakes … blotting out the future." Sarah Dessen
I don't know that I've been running from the past, but maybe I have been trying to forget it. And to forget how I feel about things that have happened, and what I still feel deep inside of me. I'm trying to ignore what I accept as a truth that will never be proven. So, what then? My subconscious decides to run amok while I'm unconscious. That's what.
But even that sounds like a denial to me. Because I know that what I've seen while I'm sleeping is more than just a wish. It's a confirmation of the truths I know. Because the Lord speaks to me in dreams, showing me what is right, and what is to come. And whole bunch of things that could be, if I have faith, and patience.
And here's the thing…I know a lot of people don't believe me when I talk about my dreams this way, but it's very real and precious to me. I very rarely have a dream that I remember, and every one that I do has a purpose of some sort. A prompting to check on someone, to reach out and get in touch. Or it could be a gentle nudge in the right direction. Or even a way to prepare me for something that's coming. A way to tell me that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and on the right track. I had several of those before my world crashed down the first time. And hardly any when it crashed the second time, which makes me wonder if that wasn't really supposed to happen. If it wasn't in the original play book, and if it was just a detour, not a catastrophic roadblock.
Which brings me back to the beginning. I've had two dreams in three weeks that I want more than anything to be real. The first one was more shocking, because in it, I heard everything that I've wanted to hear. And the second was poignant, because I felt everything I wanted to feel. Both so vivid I can still recall every minute detail. And both are so mind-boggling and crazy-making because I can feel a little flicker of hope growing when I thought I'd let that flame go out.
And now I'm so at odds with myself that I don't know what to do. I have promised myself that I'd never ignore one dream that had an obvious meaning. But at the same time, I can't burn myself out on hope of something that will most likely never happen.
I hate having to balance myself against it, or let myself get catapulted into an unknown so soon after finding my feet again. I know I have to make some decision, make some sort of move, because staying stationary doesn't do any good. I just wish I felt I had the strength to make the move I really want to. But I'm still too afraid and too fragile. And quite frankly, to unsure of what the deeper meaning behind these dreams might be to take that step. Only time will tell I, guess. But I'll keep my eyes open…in my dreams.
