Fear

I've spent a lot of time recently contemplating fear. I think it's one of those things that once Halloween comes around, you can't really escape. There are scary movies, and haunted mansions and mazes. All manner of things every few feet that are meant to spook or scare. I may be a bit of a stickler, but I'm not a huge Halloween fan. I don't like being scared. I like to think I have very few fears. I'm not a huge fan of bugs and spiders, but as long as they don't invade my space, I'm happy to ignore them. I am afraid of falling, but my favorite ride at Disneyland is the Tower of Terror. I've faced it in a controlled way, and I don't let it interfere with my daily life.

On Halloween day, I was forced to face another fear, head on. Or rear on, as it truly is. I feel that I'm a pretty good driver. I may be a touch aggressive, but I live in a state that is known for having inattentive and careless drivers, so my need to be aggressive is justified. I've always said that drivers don't pay enough attention to what's going on around them. This is most frightening on the freeways. I've had a number of close calls, and it always gets my adrenaline pumping. One of my biggest fears on the road is that traffic will slow down or come to a stop in my lane and the person driving behind me won't be paying attention and hit me. I always cringe whenever it happens, and each time I wonder what it would feel like, or sound like when it happens. Well, now I know….

 

I was driving home from a funeral when I the aforementioned scenario played out. For whatever reason, and to this day, I still don't know why, traffic in my lane slowed to complete stop. As soon as I stopped, I checked my mirror to see if the person behind me had stopped as well. All I saw was a big vehicle coming up on me, and I was thinking "They're not going to make it," followed by a huge, jolting CRUNCH! The whole thing was kind of surreal as my next thought was "Well, this is what it feels like." I don't remember the next few seconds, as my car got turned enough so that the front passenger corner got pushed into the car in front of me. The next thing I knew was the airbag on the passenger side had inflated and there was a weird chemical smoke in my car.

 

Then I did my best not to panic. I knew I need to get out of my car. I kept thinking, "what if my car explodes, I need to get out of here." I groped on the floor to find my phone and unbuckled my seat belt, coughing and whimpering, because my chest was hurting. Stupid seat belt, but so glad I had it on! Then I tried opening my door, and it wouldn't budge. That's when it was hard to keep the panicking at bay. Luckily, someone outside of my car was smarter than me at that point. She told me to unlock my car. Seems kind of stupid for a car to look its doors on impact, but whatever.

I had some pretty bruises in some really interesting places, and my back and neck were sore for weeks. I definitely don't recommend getting hit. I may have faced this fear, but it's one of those instances where facing it may have made it worse. I almost can't stand any car being too close to me on the road, and I keep a healthier distance from the car in front of me than I used to. But I survived to face another day, and have another story to tell.

Dreaming

"Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. It just doesn't catch up, it overtakes … blotting out the future." Sarah Dessen

I don't know that I've been running from the past, but maybe I have been trying to forget it. And to forget how I feel about things that have happened, and what I still feel deep inside of me. I'm trying to ignore what I accept as a truth that will never be proven. So, what then? My subconscious decides to run amok while I'm unconscious. That's what.

But even that sounds like a denial to me. Because I know that what I've seen while I'm sleeping is more than just a wish. It's a confirmation of the truths I know. Because the Lord speaks to me in dreams, showing me what is right, and what is to come. And whole bunch of things that could be, if I have faith, and patience.

And here's the thing…I know a lot of people don't believe me when I talk about my dreams this way, but it's very real and precious to me. I very rarely have a dream that I remember, and every one that I do has a purpose of some sort. A prompting to check on someone, to reach out and get in touch.  Or it could be a gentle nudge in the right direction. Or even a way to prepare me for something that's coming. A way to tell me that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and on the right track. I had several of those before my world crashed down the first time. And hardly any when it crashed the second time, which makes me wonder if that wasn't really supposed to happen. If it wasn't in the original play book, and if it was just a detour, not a catastrophic roadblock.

Which brings me back to the beginning. I've had two dreams in three weeks that I want more than anything to be real. The first one was more shocking, because in it, I heard everything that I've wanted to hear. And the second was poignant, because I felt everything I wanted to feel. Both so vivid I can still recall every minute detail. And both are so mind-boggling and crazy-making because I can feel a little flicker of hope growing when I thought I'd let that flame go out.

And now I'm so at odds with myself that I don't know what to do. I have promised myself that I'd never ignore one dream that had an obvious meaning. But at the same time, I can't burn myself out on hope of something that will most likely never happen.

I hate having to balance myself against it, or let myself get catapulted into an unknown so soon after finding my feet again. I know I have to make some decision, make some sort of move, because staying stationary doesn't do any good. I just wish I felt I had the strength to make the move I really want to. But I'm still too afraid and too fragile. And quite frankly, to unsure of what the deeper meaning behind these dreams might be to take that step. Only time will tell I, guess. But I'll keep my eyes open…in my dreams.

Puzzled

Nearly two years ago, when my mom died, my world shattered, but it didn't fall apart. I was just walking around with all of these cracks and fissures running through me, not quite sure how to fuse the pieces back together. So I just kept moving. Going through the motions, trying to get on with my life. I thought I had done a pretty good job of it, until a year later, when I received a blow that sent all of the pieces flying. It was like I had spent so much time keeping this giant puzzle together that was mostly intact. There were a few pieces sitting at my feet. But I knew where they were, and when I was strong enough, I would be able to put them back in place. Now there was a pile of pieces and I didn't know where to start, so I didn't really try. All I could do was keep moving, keep going through the motions. Slowly those pieces found their way back into place, seemingly on their own. Occasionally, I'd reach down and find one.

That's been the last six months of my life, putting myself back together. I'm finally getting to the bottom of the pile. Down to the pieces that have been missing since my mom passed away, or the ones that I haven't had the strength or courage to put back in place. There were two in particular that I was missing most. One was music. A certain type of music which I love reminded me too much of someone that I was trying hard not to think about. I distracted myself by listening to things that weren't always at the top of my favorites list. I mean, I spent two weeks straight listening to the Tangled soundtrack. Not exactly what those closest to me would expect to hear when they got in my car. It took months to listen to my favorite song. But now, I'm finally enjoying the heavy beats and driving base lines of my crazy rock music again.

The second piece that I missed even more than music, was reading. In the two years since my mother's death I have only ready four books. Four books a week was not uncommon before then. I've been known to read six to seven hundred pages a day still get a full night's sleep and work a full shift at work. Sure I may not have eaten, but I never seemed to notice. I never really thought about why reading and my mom were so closely linked in my head. But upon further pondering, I realized that she was the one who encouraged my love of written words. She discovered her love of reading in her thirties, and because of that, I discovered mine in my early childhood. Her and I would spend hours discussing books, and passing them back and forth. Two weekends ago, I felt it was about time to pick one up and try again. Since then I have read more than ten books. More like devoured them. I forgot how much I love escaping this world into another, dropping into someone else's imagination.

There were two series of books that awakened something else inside of me that had been sleeping, another piece that is still being put back in place. The desire to start writing again. Not to write like I do here, but to create something. A world that only I can build and know all the secrets of. Someplace beautiful, and exciting, and captivating. Somewhere that maybe someone else can escape into one day. I can only hope that I can be half as masterful a storyteller as the ones whose worlds I just visited, but I'm going to try.

Declaration

For the first time in a long time, I truly feel at peace. And this is on the brink of what could be another emotional upheaval. I'm not sure what has changed in me, but I'm prepared to face it head on and stand my ground. I'm stronger now than I have ever been before, and I know myself better now. I know what I want, and I know that I'm not willing to give up on it. I never have, even after all this time. Hope and desire have lain dormant in me for some time, and now that I'm pretty much whole again, they are waking up. They are bolstering me up, and fortifying me from the inside.

I spent last weekend listening to the inspired talks of the General Authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Several of them went straight to my heart, and I could feel the Spirit whispering truths to my soul. I could hear the Lord's special messages for me, and I'm ready for what He has in store for me. It has the potential of being crazy, and difficult, and wonderful. I know that I can't do it without Him in my life. Because I can't see how it can work, there is no way without his Divine guidance. So this is where my faith comes in, and I already see it working. All I can do is take the first step, and wait for Heavenly Father to show me the next one.  I know He won't lead me wrong.